[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
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‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.