[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Nothing.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Phones down.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning