Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
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Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.