Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
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Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Mad Max Arctic Road
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.