I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
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[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
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Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”