teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
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There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink