I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
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Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Only a mother’s love …