Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.