I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.