Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
You Might Also Like
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I’m listening