whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”