My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
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Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I鈥檇 pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 馃拃馃槀馃槀
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone鈥檚 gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won鈥檛 post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
when someone tells me love is in the air 馃樂
the worm is coming from inside the brain
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Me: I鈥檓 heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don鈥檛 you just say you鈥檙e going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
If I were Noah, I鈥檇 be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Since I鈥檓 not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals