People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
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Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!