*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
so, is there a mister shapen head
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.