I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.