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The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
jesus christ confetti not now
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child