You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.