Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I hate when that happens.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up