Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
You Might Also Like
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks