Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Mountain Goat : )
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.