The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
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I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion