Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
You Might Also Like
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.