JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
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[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh