*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.