My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
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Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
This is my bus stop.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.