My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
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Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I’m listening
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*