Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
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Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.