Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
You Might Also Like
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?