My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
A little too much information.