I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
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(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.