Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
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Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
3% human
97% stress
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.