#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes