Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
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Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
In Canada they just call them geese
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.