Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
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The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
another case of gang violins
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.