[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.