Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
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“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]