What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
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me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
no refunds
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works