[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]