What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.