I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired