Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
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Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking