So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
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Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
This is the coolest video you will see today.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.