My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
You Might Also Like
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick