That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
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*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Help Wanted
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.