Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
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WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake