I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
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CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.