”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
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I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
this has to be peak English
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.