Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.