me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
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Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Spa day..😅
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
me, after any kind of buffet.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My good tweets are in my other pants.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda