The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
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The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?